A Catch in Time Read online

  Later it was Laura’s turn to drive and she was glad to have something to do while she considered her latest understanding. She drove, listening to Kate and Josiah exchange inanities.

  When a lull occurred, Laura was ready, and announced, “I realized something new this morning. The blackout was an accident.”

  Kate snorted. “No shit, Sherlock.”

  Laura smiled. “I think We were trying something new and it went wrong. Instead of what We expected, the blackout happened.”

  “If I remember correctly,” Josiah said, “you originally thought that the soulworld was trying to connect with this world, but They managed to plug in only for a few minutes and everyone blacked out and woke up not remembering any of it.”

  “And here we are,” said Kate, “still unplugged.”

  Josiah leaned forward and swatted Kate lightly on the head.

  “Hey! What was that for?”

  “For acting like a turd.”

  “Laura knows what I think about all that crap.”

  “Everybody knows what you think about it,” Josiah said easily. “But the rest of us don’t mind talking about it. It’s interesting, and if you’re so against it, why don’t you try finding holes in the argument?”

  “Okay. What made you decide,” Kate asked Laura, “that trying to connect up to this world wasn’t the purpose after all?”

  The star-filled night sky flashed into Laura’s mind. “I’ve never been able to explain,” she said, “the incredible feelings that were part of the blackout. The word ‘euphoria’ comes close, but it was more, continuously explosive and for a long time. Unimaginably beautiful—almost unbearable.”

  “The ultimate orgasm?” Kate suggested.

  “No.”

  “Better than that?”

  “Different, Kate. It was—”

  “Oh, give it up, already.”

  Laura tensed. Kate’s tone was no longer sarcastic, playful. She sounded malicious. Laura immediately remembered the silent exchange they’d had yesterday, which had ended the argument over abandoning Donna. She’d tried to convince herself that it had been her imagination, that Kate had not sensed her disparaging comparison to Kate’s abandonment of her sister. How am I ever going to fix this?

  “What about the feeling caused by the blackout?” asked Josiah, choosing to ignore the undercurrents.

  Laura cleared her throat. “It’s too big for us,” she went on. I’ll work it out with Kate later. “Our bodies can’t maintain that kind of high; we’d burn out. Like stars going nova. That’s what killed so many people during the blackout, other than accidents, of course. It’s why hardly any old people are left. Another minute of it would have probably wiped us all out.”

  “Interesting,” said Josiah.

  Laura slowed the car to avoid a small slide on the road.

  “If the blackout was an error, what was the experiment?” asked Josiah.

  “The kind that’s been going on forever; an experiment to create a new life-form.”

  Kate dropped her pique and jumped back into the conversation. “There’ve been zillions of new species and zillions of errors. We wouldn’t be here now if the world went black every time there was a screw-up.”

  “Blackouts didn’t happen every time,” Laura replied. “But evolutionary changes did.”

  “Dinosaurs,” said Josiah, enjoying the discussion.

  Kate hooted. “Even I know dinosaurs were wiped out by a meteor. It changed the weather on the entire planet. Nothing hocus-pocus about it.”

  “That was when We changed direction. We could have brought the dinosaurs back, but we went mammal instead.”

  “Mammals already existed during the dinosaur age,” said Josiah.

  “Yes, but dinosaurs were dominant. Too many of Us were trapped. Dinosaurs were a dead end. We wanted more.”

  “More what?”

  “More ability to reason, with complexity. To exist without having to spend all our waking hours fueling the body.”

  “Snakes and alligators,” Josiah said promptly. “A crocodile might eat only once every few months.”

  Kate turned to him. “Where do you pick up this shit?”

  Laura laughed. “Still not enough brains. Reptiles function by stimulus-response. They’re hopeless as pets. No emotion. Maybe emotion’s a by-product of reason. As soon as an animal can think, ‘If I do this, then I can get that,’ it begins to feel.”

  “How do you know a snake doesn’t feel?” Kate demanded. “Maybe it sees a mouse and thinks, ‘If I go after that, I can eat and I like to eat. I like mouse.’”

  “No,” Josiah said, “Laura’s right. If a snake is hungry, it’ll go after a mouse because it’s triggered by the stimulus, not by thought. If it isn’t hungry, the mouse is safe.”

  “I think that’s what the blackout was—a break in evolutionary progression,” Laura asserted. “We’re on the brink of an entirely new direction.”

  “We who?” Kate scoffed. “A few weeks ago you said that everything’s mutating backward, that nothing new’s being born.”

  “The blackout was an accident. Something went wrong and now We can’t get through anymore. Once We figure out how to get through again, things will be different. Really different.”

  Kate patted the air, warding off any more talk. “You’re driving me nuts.”

  Josiah wondered what had happened between Kate and Laura to cause this latest friction. It ran deeper than usual, because Kate was behaving like a wounded animal. Josiah was surprised to find himself feeling sorry for her. It was her defiant strength that attracted him to her. She needed no protection. She needed nothing from him.

  Laura, he knew, was dangerous. She’d caused such a confusion of emotions when they’d had sex, he’d had to force some distance between them. He’d loved before, and recognized the symptoms.

  At nineteen, his love for Aleesha had lasted exactly five weeks. It had taken longer to stop being her possession, something he’d never before experienced, and never intended to again.

  Although he regretted not having made love again with Laura—he still remembered it and wanted her with unabated intensity—he felt he’d made the right decision. Laura was a good friend, the kindest woman he’d ever met. Having her become needful of him, and expectant of receiving his own needs in return, would eventually have destroyed his affection for her.

  Josiah had lived for years believing that love, that grand emotion of songs and stories, was but an over-hyped biological impulse. It was a joke.

  When he met Eli, he realized friendship was the true apex of human experience. And for Josiah, that revelation had given a meaning to life where none, other than self, had existed before. Friendship didn’t banish loneliness, but it was worth protecting, because it provided balance against isolation.

  In the six years since the blackout, while the rest of humanity struggled to survive, Josiah had found contentment. He was living in a sanctuary of friendship, and he would die rather than foul it.

  An hour later, near the peak of the steady climb over the final mountain before they would begin the descent into Oregon, Laura rounded a curve and slammed on the brakes. Tons of dirt, rock, and debris blocked the roadway.

  The excess had cascaded into the canyon on their left. The road was impassible, the barrier immovable.

  They looked at the steep hill on their right, the canyon on their left, the chaos of earth and rock in front of them, the empty curve of road descending behind them. Laura switched off the ignition.

  Kate spoke first. “Lunchtime.”

  Laura set the brake. Although the road was fairly level where the slide had settled, the car was still on the hill and the road sloped behind them.

  Josiah and Kate went to the back of the car and rummaged through the supplies, selecting the most perishable items for their lunch.

  Laura walked back down the road and scanned the treeless hillside for the easiest way to climb to the top. From the top, she hoped to be able to determine a w
ay to detour cross-country without having to backtrack too much. The land wasn’t as mountainous as the I-80 corridor through the Sierras; the surrounding elevations here were like huge treeless mounds, but they were definitely in high country. Nights would be cold.

  She could hear Kate and Josiah laughing, interrupting each other, adding the word flambé to everything.

  Scanning the hillside for the thin line of an animal trail, abrupt weariness, wrapped in anger and sadness, flushed through her.

  She looked at the curve ahead, the point at which the road disappeared. I’m tired of understanding and not being understood, tired of being careful of Kate’s moods. I don’t want to be happy for her when it’s Josiah who makes her happy.

  She was almost at the curve.

  “Hey, Laura!” Kate called. “Food’s on.”

  Laura waved without turning around. “I’ll be right back.” She went around the curve. Hugging the hillside to make sure she was out of sight, she sat down in the dirt, pulled her knees to her chest, and let her tears flow.

  When she raised her head from her knees, her sadness was heavy. Berating herself as she stood, she used her shirt to wipe her face.

  What could she say, after six years? Her eyes prickled with another rush of tears. I can’t say anything, she thought, as she always did. Josiah, like her memory of her epiphany, was just out of reach.

  She tucked her shirt back into her jeans and turned her face into the coolness of a westerly breeze.

  After lunch, they found a trail to the top of the hill. Josiah had difficulty climbing the slope with his artificial limb, and he held Laura’s hand as she slowly moved ahead of him. Kate, impatient to reach the top, bounded ahead.

  The trail leveled to a broad, flat expanse of sparse greenery dotted with boulders and smaller rocks. Josiah sat on a rock to rest, and Laura walked toward the edge of the flatness. The earth’s vitality stretched in every direction, dipping and rising, exuding rock formations, spreading into valleys and plateaus, erupting into distant peaks. The horizon clearly showed the planet’s curvature. It was magnificent.

  “We should call home,” Kate suggested, coming to stand beside her. “We might be able to raise them from up here.”

  Laura was suddenly flooded with thoughts of Lily and the others.

  “I’ll go for the ham radio and antenna,” said Laura.

  Kate’s laugh drifted back. “I’m already halfway there, kiddo,” she said, disappearing down the trail.

  Josiah watched her go, then turned back to Laura. “What’s up with you and Kate?” he asked.

  Laura shrugged. “It’s a long story,” she said. “Part of it’s hers. I’d like to tell you, I’m just not sure if Kate …”

  “That’s all right. Obviously private.”

  “Not in my case. But, maybe Kate’s.”

  “Sure, don’t worry about it.” Josiah changed the subject. “You remember the first time you told me about your epiphany?” he asked. “Sitting in the casino bar?” Laura nodded. “The thought crossed my mind then that what you were saying could be interpreted as a … messianic kind of message.”

  “Whoa.” Laura forced a faltering laugh.

  “And I thought how strange it would be that the rest of us would fall into our roles as disciples.”

  They stared at each other.

  “I’m anything but a messiah.” Laura looked away. Falling into Josiah’s eyes was so easy.

  She turned to stare blindly at the horizon. You idiot.

  Josiah, realizing Laura wasn’t going to say anything else, continued, “Kate’s always had an attitude about religion, but she’s never acted so defeated about it. In case you haven’t noticed,” he teased, “I’m probing.”

  “Right. About stuff you just told me was private and none of your business.”

  He nudged her playfully. “I never said it was none of my business.”

  She nudged him back. “Well, it isn’t.”

  Josiah leaned his head against the rock and scanned the sky. “Remember how many jets there used to be?” he asked, suddenly pensive.

  “Mm-hmm.”

  His face was tilted skyward and she was struck by his vulnerable expression.

  “For a long time,” he said quietly, “I thought things would eventually get back to normal. But we seem to be getting farther away from where we were. Maybe we’re too far now to ever get back.”

  Laura heard loneliness in his voice.

  Suddenly she came to her knees and cupped his face in her hands. “It’s okay, it’ll be okay. We’ll find a way, I know we will.”

  He gazed at her and she found herself falling into his eyes. She kissed him without thought, pressing her lips softly to his. And kissed deeper, and he responded. He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her tightly against him.

  It was a catch in time: no ground, no rock, no sky, just warm emotion and sharing. Yet, when Laura felt his hands slide to her arms and gently push her away, she understood.

  He loves me. Just moments ago, she’d thought she’d never have his love and now knew it had always been there.

  “Why are you afraid to love me, Josiah?”

  He looked directly at her. “I like you too much,” he said.

  “Explain, please.”

  “Have you ever been in love before?”

  “No.”

  “I have. Love takes all those feelings that should last a lifetime and burns them up in a flash. You and I can either be friends slowly together, or we take the fast ride and burn it all up.”

  “I don’t think love can be used up,” said Laura, choosing her words with care. “I think it’s infinite—no beginning, no end.” We’ve always been connected.

  Before we even knew each other, she now understood.

  Impulsively, Laura grabbed his hand and asked, “Remember the first time you ever saw me?”

  Josiah laughed. “How could I forget a scared crazy person with a gun.”

  “Do you remember your first impression of me?”

  They both watched her playing with his hand, bending the fingers gently.

  “I don’t know.” Josiah paused. “Same as I think of you now, I guess.”

  She squeezed his hand. “Me too. I see you the same now as I did when we first met.”

  Josiah laughed. “Obviously, this means something to you.” He withdrew his hand from hers, making a show of using it to scratch his neck.

  “It does. It’ll start meaning something to you, too, once you think about it. Try to think of anybody else you’ve ever met that seems the same after you got to know them. The same as your first impression of them. It’s always different. Like thinking of two different people. But when you really love someone, they’re the same, because you recognize them right away. The love is already there. No beginning, no end.”

  She could see Josiah was uncomfortable. He thinks I’m full of shit, but he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. A rock clattered in the distance, announcing Kate’s return.

  Laura rose, smiled, and turned away, feeling the old familiar ache. Even now, knowing that he loves me, it still hurts to think of him with Kate. She walked to the edge of the hilltop and waited for the grandeur of the vista to absorb her petty pain.

  Eli’s excited voice responded almost immediately, with rapid-fire questions, and brought huge grins from them.

  “Come in. Over.” His tone suddenly filled with anxiety, fear he’d lost them after hearing only their greeting.

  Josiah pressed the mike button. “Yo, Eli. In answer to your first five questions, we’re holdin’ on. In answer to your last twelve, we’re holdin’ on, man. Over.”

  Background noises were indistinguishable before Eli spoke again. Josiah pictured Eli hunched over his mike, pressing the send switch.

  “Roger,” Eli finally said. “Over.”

  Grabbing the mike, Kate admonished Josiah, “Except for our location, I don’t think we have to worry about what we say.” She pressed the mike button. “Hi, Eli, it’s Ka
te. Everything all right there? Over.”

  “Katie?” John Thomas’s excited voice cracked over the set. “Katie, hi! When will you be home? Are you okay? How’s Josiah, and Lucas, and Laura?” There was a click, then silence, then, “Over.”

  “We’re all fine,” Kate said without hesitation. “We’ll see you soon, maybe three days—five, max. Could you put Lily on, honey? Over.” Kate handed the mike to Laura as Lily’s high voice shouted, “Hello! Hel—” was cut off, then abruptly on again, “—ello? Mommy? Hello?”

  Laura laughed past the sudden lump in her throat. “Hi, sweetie. I miss you so much.”

  Laura and Lily talked for several minutes, then Catherine came on. Eli interrupted Catherine and a few minutes later, John Thomas was on again. Kate deflected his request to speak to Lucas, but when he asked again, Josiah took the mike.

  “John Thomas, you remember how sick I was? Well, they had to take part of my leg off, buddy, so I’m moving slower than usual. Those stairs we have at home are going to be hard for me right now. So, how about you and Lily do me a favor? Over.”

  There was a short silence during which it was easy to imagine the others back home absorbing the news of Josiah’s condition, then John Thomas, sounding both sympathetic and eager to please, answered, “Sure, Josiah. Me and Lily can do anything for you. Over.”

  “Thanks, buddy. I’d like to switch rooms so I don’t have to go up stairs. I’ll take the den, and you kids use my room for a while. Could you switch stuff around? Eli can help you with the heavier things. Over.”

  “Okay. Me and Lily’ll get started right away. Is there anything else you want us to do? Should we leave the TV in there for you? Margie and Carol stopped by last week with a bunch of DVDs. We traded ‘em some of our old ones.”

  “And some of Mom’s jam.” Lily added, shouting directly into the mike. The sporadic visits of those two distant neighbors, beginning a little over a year ago, were momentous for Lily. They were the only strangers she’d ever met.

  There was a pause and then Catherine said, “In most circumstances, I don’t speak for the others, but I must say we are all happy to hear you sounding so well, Josiah. We feared the worst, and now feel inexpressible relief. Be well, my boy, and we’ll see you soon.”